The Importance of Repair
Parents lead incredibly busy lives, juggling their children’s school schedules, extracurricular activities, and the everyday challenges of work, grocery shopping, and finding time to prepare dinner. It can often feel overwhelming to keep everything on track and can leave parents overstimulated and overwhelmed. In this relentless cycle of stress, it’s easy for tempers to flare. A simple comment or minor incident can lead to outbursts that might leave parents lashing out at their children with hurtful phrases like “What’s wrong with you?” or “Can’t you just be grateful for once?”
No one is a perfect parent; every parent has moments of frustration. However, what’s often overlooked is how to mend the relationship after those outbursts. Many parents may dismiss these incidents or struggle to find the right words to address them. Clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy emphasizes that one of the most crucial strategies in parenting is to “get good at repair.” This process not only helps to heal any emotional wounds but also teaches children valuable lessons about accountability, resilience, and the importance of communication. Ultimately, it reinforces the idea that while mistakes are a natural part of life, how we respond to them can lead to growth and deeper connections.
“Repair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact it had on the other person,” says Kennedy. It’s important to understand that repair differs from an apology; an apology tends to close the conversation, whereas repair opens one up for further dialogue.
When we fail to repair after a distressing incident, children can internalize feelings of self-blame. This self-blame creates a false sense of safety, and children cope with self-blame because it is easier to believe that they’re at fault, but their world and their parents are still good. Unfortunately, as these children grow into adulthood, those internalized narratives can manifest as feelings of unworthiness, increasing the risk of anxiety and depression.
Engaging in repair not only alleviates self-blame but also reinforces love, safety, and coherence, effectively rewriting the past. Kennedy outlines two essential steps for effective repair:
Step One: Repair with Yourself
“Self-repair involves separating your identity—who you are—from your behavior—what you did,” explains Kennedy. Recognizing that you are a good parent experiencing a tough moment allows for reflection and growth. Grounding yourself helps you consider how to handle similar situations differently in the future.
Step Two: Repair with Your Child
Kennedy recommends three key elements for repairing the relationship with your child:
Name what happened.
Take responsibility for your actions.
State what you would do differently next time.
For example, you might say, “I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I’m sorry I yelled. That must have been scary for you, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm when I feel overwhelmed.”
It’s essential to be cautious about statements that may seem like repairs but actually hint at self-blame, such as, “I’m sorry I yelled, but you wouldn’t have made me yell if you had listened.” These ‘NOT Repair’ statements imply that your child is responsible for your reactions, missing the opportunity for true reconnection.
Once that reconnection is established, you can teach your child valuable skills to help them navigate their emotions and communicate effectively. The example demonstrated by Kennedy states “I know you might not love what I make for dinner, but instead of saying it’s disgusting, maybe try saying it’s not your favorite.” This approach helps children learn to express disappointment while maintaining respect.
The repair process isn’t just for young children; it’s never too late to engage in repair. Kennedy gives the example of your parent calling to say “Hey, I know this is out of the blue, but I have been thinking a lot about your childhood and I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you and you were right to feel that way. Those moments weren’t your fault. There were times when I was struggling, and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside, I would have calmed myself down, and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with. I’m sorry. And if you’re ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments, I’ll listen. I won’t listen to have a rebuttal, I’ll listen to understand. I love you”.
For some, this conversation can be profoundly healing, while for others, it may not change everything. However, it can shift certain perceptions. Remember, any child will always be younger than you, meaning their story is still being written and is open to reinterpretation.
Watch Becky Kennedy’s Ted Talk explaining repair here
